“Bright eyes give joy to the heart; good news strengthens the bones.”
Proverbs 15:30
Some people
just don’t get it. They cannot possibly understand my defiant, and
I laugh at
my cancer because it keeps the fear and worry at bay. It is always there,
hiding in the shadows of my mind. The realization that I’m dying never really
goes away. I’m keenly aware of every pain in my side, always wondering whether
I’ll be racked with the pain that precipitated the discovery of my cancer. I am
reminded every afternoon when, sometimes suddenly, I run out of energy and have
to find a place to rest for an hour, or maybe two. Then I make jokes about it.
I make jokes about being a two year old who has to take naps, or being a grumpy
old man a little prematurely. I make jokes about dying and coming back to haunt
people if they aren’t nice to me. I play the “cancer card” to get out of chores
(my wife doesn’t buy it by the way) or to leave a meeting early. I laugh about
it because to laugh at it takes the power out of it. I drain it of some of the
fear, pain, and hurt that it brings into my life with my laughter.
I laugh at
my cancer because I refuse to let it be my defining feature. I am not cancer.
It is so easy when you have a terminal illness to become your illness, and I
refuse to let my illness define me. Part of how I keep that from happening is
trying to be completely open about it and then laughing about it. My ability to
admit it and then move past it keeps it from becoming an idol in my life. An
idol is anything that has more power in your life than you give God. Anything
that is not yielded to God is a god in and of itself. I laugh at my cancer
because it could easily become an obsession. It could very easily become an
idol that I attend to and give all of my attention to. Instead I make it the
brunt of jokes. I seek to diminish its power with my laughter, and most days it
works.
I laugh to
keep worry and fear at bay, I laugh to keep cancer from becoming my idol, but
most of all I laugh because in the laughter I find the strength to keep
fighting. There are days, a lot of days that I’m sick and tired of being sick
and tired. This damn cancer has disrupted my life. The hormones it secretes
messes with my emotions. It randomly pains me. It causes me discomfort,
especially when I am stressed. I have had to become incredibly self-aware to
make sure I’m not getting irritable due to the fatigue. When I laugh, it gives
me the strength to get up again. Vince Lombardi said once, “It’s not whether
you get knocked down; its whether you get back up.” Laughing gives me the
strength to get up, and when I get up, I get up swinging. Laughter gives me the
ability to fight. It allows me not to just survive, but to choose to thrive.
That is why
I laugh. So if you are offended when I laugh at my cancer, get over it. I’m not
asking you to understand, I’m just asking you to laugh with me. My prayer is
that I laugh till the end, because “the joy of the Lord is my strength.”
Gracious God
help me to laugh in the face of trial, and have joy in the midst of pain. God
help me to laugh, in the name of the One who heals me and laughs with me in the
face of death, Jesus, I pray. Amen.
I'd like to extend a special invitation to join us at St. Paul UMC, Rocky Mount, NC on Sunday, Nov. 17, 2013 for Neuroendocrine Awareness Sunday. The message will center on being thankful for the life you have. We worship at 10 am. Contact me for details at marty@martycauley.org
